I have abandoned my blogs, perhaps because I have nothing to write, because my inspiration is gone... somehow, the 20th of July has been a spacial date in my life. I've traveled many times on that date, I took steps that changed my life on that date. Some events have been good, other not so, but still, it has been a special date. Therefore, I choose July 20th of 2009 as the last day to write on this blog. Who knows? Maybe I can get back here later, in few months. I'm not sure. But for what is worth, thanks to all of you that were with me on my journey. Later...
My girlfriend was here for only 6 days, but I enjoyed every minute we shared. She helped me get my mind out of many things. It was great to be with her again! I wish I could go back to Germany, but so far, no luck on the Lotto! A month ago was my last conversation with my oldest friend... I still can't stop thinking of her. I feel I have an emotional build up that could explode at any moment. I haven't cried for her because my anger is still so strong! I guess at some point everything will become a reality, and my anger will open up a door to the pain of loosing her. My mom arrived yesterday, we haven't seen each other in almost 2 years, so it was a refreshing encounter face to face. We talk on the phone almost everyday anyway. How can someone reconnect with their own feelings? I feel numb, like something is wrong, but I can't do anything to stop it.
I keep reading the blogs I enjoy, and I want to write again, get back in the groove of doing it. Many times I sat here, thinking that I could just write, go for it! But then life happens. I've been angry and depressed the last couple of weeks. Fortunately my girlfriend is arriving in few days to be with me. I need her presence, I need to share with her, just talk, just be next to her. And then my mom will come and visit, just t be with me for a while. It helps to share with people, to avoid thinking so much. I have very good friends, people I really trust, people I know forever. I met my oldest friend when we were 5 years old. We grew up together. We were neighbors for 5 years, and friends for life. We always kept in touch, lived through so many things in each other's lives, knowing in the last 20 years that we were just one phone call away. There were times we were not talking as often, but at least once a month we had contact. The last month we talked and talked and talked on the phone. She was going through a tough time, very depressed, with a lot on anxiety, with so many things to do, moving, solving problems, planing so many things. She stopped sleeping, she stopped being herself, she was not acting normal. I don't know for sure what was going on. She went to the psychiatrist, they gave her some antidepressants, and 2 days later she killed herself. The emptiness I felt, the sadness, the pain, but most of all, the anger of thinking of her not being able to regret that mistake, have been very much in my mind. I don't feel like writing, or expressing too much. I'm so angry! It was the stupidest thing to do, and yet she did it. I know I would never do something like that, and I thought she would never do something like that either. Mental health is a serious problem. Please, don't ignore it. If you know someone that is going through a depression, or if you yourself are going through a tough time, please reach out for help! Every problem has a solution. Death is NOT a solution.
I woke up with another number on my age, some aches and pains resulting from short sleep, and a deep need for hope. I'm still wondering why people that doesn't know us are hating us, why are they not willing to give us equal rights. I believe it is not only a matter of every state deciding to grant those rights or not. It is a much bigger picture that only Connecticut and Massachusetts are looking at. I wonder also, since the same sex marriage is legal there, are they having all the same rights as heterosexuals? Does it include immigration laws (since it is a Federal matter as far as I know)? What about adoption? In Spain same sex marriage applies to every aspect, just like heterosexual marriage: Immigration, adoption, inheritance, tax, etc. I feel we are still so far away from something significant happening... at least in New York the same sex marriages performed in other states are recognized as legal marriages. Why am I thinking about this? I don't want to get married, I don't really believe in the institution itself, but I have dear friends with kids that would like to have the protection of the marriage in their lives. Just for them, I need to speak up.
I found this on the internet. I'm not one of his fans, but I agree with everything he says here... And I guess many of us do too.
Here's the direct link on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhrNjMgmrds
The full text of his comment:
SPECIAL COMMENT By Keith Olbermann
Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.
Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.
And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.
If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.
Only now you are saying to them—no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?
I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.
The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.
You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.
And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.
How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?
What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.
It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.
And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?
With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.
You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.
This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.
But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:
"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love."
I decided that before I criticize any of his actions or his choices, I'll give him 2 years. In that time he'll be able to do some of the things he has promised. With his election, a new page in history has been written. Not only America is expecting the most of him, not only his supporters but his adversaries too. With the world crisis he is also being observed by many in the world. I found this caricature that explains a lot. Loosely translated: "Come on, Obama, You can, c'mon"
And thinking of Prop 8, I just hope somehow that people in California will understand that giving the same rights to ALL the citizens, doesn't mean that their own rights will be taken away. I still can't understand how everybody gets to vote to cancel a small group's rights to just be happy.
I've been in a battle with myself over voting or not. I have the feeling that my vote will not count really, because in my state there is a "sure winner" that I don't like. I don't like his opponent either! I looked into the other candidates and I don't like anyone. So why vote? I don't want to give my vote to someone I don't trust, simply because I'm registered in his political party. I just don't want him to have my vote. But after doing some little research, I found that I can actually write in the name of a person I believe should be president... so that's what I'll be doing! I'll vote following my conscience. I will not betray all the women that fought for my right to choose. I will not betray my pledge of allegiance to the flag and the nation for which it stands. It is my right and my obligation as a citizen. So, if like me you are having doubts about who to vote for, please go and vote! You can always write in your own candidate. Who knows? maybe our votes will count too.
My mom is a breast cancer survivor, but some dearest friends lost the battle to it. Please don't be one of them. Do your self exam at least once a month, check your breasts, have a mammogram. October is the month to remind everybody that, and here is something interesting that Ellen Degeneres did. So pass it along, do it yourself, we can all do a little bit to help find a cure for breast cancer.
When I saw Sarah Palin for the first time, few weeks ago on TV after McCain chose her as his running mate, I thought: Wow, now she is a MILF! A hot momma that can stand her own! I was totally into her! I even liked her speech at the Convention. But then I started listening closer, her interviews, her very few comments... she totally reminded me of a terrible date I had once. She is attractive, looks nice, but she can't talk without being totally scary! I'm enjoying very much the comedic inspiration that she is giving to the people at Saturday Night Live. I've laughed until I cried with TIna Fey impersonating her. I'm not very much into politics, and I don't think I'm really capable of writing about it. I got pretty much disengaged when Hillary got out of the race. I don't like Obama at all. But after hearing Sarah Palin talk, I will be voting against the McCain/Palin ticket. I'm a democrat but I don't like the ticket. I have been thinking about not voting... I still have to decide.
Ok, honestly I cried and almost peed my pants watching this video!!! Love these women!!
Here's another longer version. The second part made me cry too, but for very different reasons. Some people should stick with what they know. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq2L9j1au3Q
I was at the Mall and took some pictures. As an allegoric of our foot prints in life, some of these pictures made me think: how fast do we go in life? Well, for some people, fast enough that we don't leave a foot print. But other pass by our lives leaving such impression that everything else is a blur around them. I wonder if I'm leaving a deep enough foot print in the lives of the people I love the most.
I've been taking a vacation from writing here, more than anything, because I don't have the inspiration to do so. Sometimes it is harder to concentrate when there are so any things in my head claiming for attention. What have I been doing? Many things! I did some dog sitting, took pictures, had friends visiting over, and took my time to watch lots of films and TV shows that I haven't seen in a while. Basically I was getting up to date with some things I abandoned. Now is the blogs turn!
I want to share with you a couple of pictures I took this summer.
For the second year in a row, Afterellen.com have chosen the 100 top women that lesbians find HOT. All the members of the website voted for their 10 top women. Most of my choices made the list, including Number 1, Tina Fey.
They are not the typical "hotties" with big breast and short skirts wearing wet white t-shirts!. They are smart beautiful women who can be great role models for little girls.
I took some of my favorite pictures that they have on the site and made this little collage.
Again they are an incredible group of women, of different sizes, colors and ages. It is a refreshing look at women, that not always are the ones that men find hot.
Take a look at After Ellen and see the whole 100 hottest women of 2008.
Well, after almost two years of seen each other at least once a week, flirting, me looking and looking, her... well, she just kept teasing me, exposing herself on the screen, showing me how out of my league she was. I felt bad, but secretly my desires were burning deep inside. I even tried looking for someone else! She was too much for me, I just couldn't even imagine the posibility of having her all to myself. I saw her with someone else, and it was nice, so nice that I had an even deeper desire. But things happen for a reason, I'm sure! After flirting, teasing me, I found that she could be in my league after all. So, after a couple of days dealing with her and her people, I finally did it. I decided that she'll be more helpful to me right here, next to me, helping me with work, and doing stuff that now I can't do. I am so looking forward to spend endless hours together.... Next time I'll show you her picture.
Yes, I know the series ended few years ago. But I never got to actually see the last season of those fake New York apartments! I missed the whole development into Chandler and Monica's moving out of the city with twins, and the re-union of Ross and Rachel. I liked the empty apartment space, the colors of the walls looked a lot better with the furniture... I bet none of the bloggers that are moving soon in New York, have found an apartment like the one they featured on "Friends". I remember that the first year I was in Germany, I missed watching TV. Then I got used to not watching too much. I actually discovered the German documentaries and I became an addict to "Wissen" and "Galileo". I learned everything about making sausages, building houses, and anything in between. Then I found some American series dubbed into German, and didn't like them at all. Well, at least I was improving my German skills with episodes that I've seen in English and remembered more or less what they were about, but still, there is so much missing in the translation!
Life in NY is getting better. I still don't have a job, but there are some posibilities to do something interesting. Went to the city yesterday and met with a friend with some project. We'll see how it comes to reality. And by the way, the "Goodburger" on Broadway and 18th... really good hamburgers and actually pretty decent in price. Still, I miss my girlfriend. I wish we could be closer.
Lesbe ohne Grenzen Lesbienne sans frontière Lesbiana sin fronteras Lésbicas Sem Fronteiras Lesbiske uden grænser Lesbo ilman rajoja Lezbejka bez granica Lesbijka bez granic Lesbiche senza frontiere Lesbian tanpa batas Lesbienne zonder grenzen Lesbiyanang walang hangganan. Lizbjani minghajr fruntieri Mugarik gabeko lesbiana Lesbisk utan gränser Lesbiad heb cyffin Lesbian sonder grense Lesbíur án landamæra Lesbisk Uten Grendser Piirideta lesbi Leszbikus határok nélkül Sınır tanımayan lezbiyenler Lezbiană fără frontiere leispiach taobh amuigh de teorainn
拉子無疆界 "laji woo jangjay" (in English.) Лезбиянка без границ "lezbiyanka bez granits" ทอม ไม่มีชายแดน "Tom mai me chai dan " לסבית ללא גבולות "Lesbit lelo gvulot" Λεσβίες χωρίς σύνορα "Lesvies horis sinora" شاذات بلا حدود "Lesbians Bla Hdood " 境界のないレズビアン "kyoukai no nai lezubian" Đồng Tính Nữ Không Ranh Giới เลสเบี้ยนไร้พรมแดน "lesbian rai praom dan"
